Rosh Kollel: Rabbi Mordecai Kornfeld
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YOMA 18
Dam Chimud and the Minhag of the Chasan and Kalah not seeing each other for a week before the Chasunah |
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Kollel |
| Moshe Fessel asks: |
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In response to answer (c), "dam chimah" is the "mikor" (source) for a choson and kallah not seeing each other in the week prior to the wedding... I don't understand why people have extended this "minhag" (that really no longer has a reason) to choson-kallah not talking on the phone in the week prior to the wedding. Additionally, there definitely would not be any problem with the choson seeing the kallah as long as she does not see him... I think the continuance of hese practices evolved from the non- jewish concept of "it's bad luck to see the bride or groom before the wedding".
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The Kollel replies: |
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The practice of not seeing the Kalah, or even speaking to her, immediately before the Chasunah, has another source, which may answer some of your questions. The Acharonim bring as a source the verse (Mishlei 25:17), "Keep away from the house of your friend (Re'acha), lest he get too used to you and feel contempt towards you."
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Moshe Fessel asks: |
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The mishlei verse of "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is said to be the source of niddah separation. however, I have never seen this in regard to choson and kallah. Please send me a "mkor" where the "achronim" apply this to the week prior to the mariage.
Yaakov Yehoshua Fischer comments:
Lkavod Rav Kornfeld;
If we have introduced the "non-Jewish influence of Bad luck to the Bride and Groom to see each other before the wedding" why is it that we say that the custom has merit other than bechlal what Rav Kornfeld said, From Mishlei, "Hoker Raglecha mBais Reyacha" which wouldnt neccesary apply only to the week before but rather after they Chosen and kallah have substantially grown accustomed to each other enough to commit to Chitun... Marriage.
To say that the "minhag" comes from this issur of waiting Zayin Nekiyim once there is an announcement of marriage is a little hard, because what this "minhag" serves to do is actually increase the possibility of seeing Dam machmas Chimud WHEN the kallah finally gets to see the Chosun, after having been seperated for some time. Indeed I have heard that Rab Gustman Ztl took his Kallah the DAY OF THE WEDDING to rav Chaim Ozer Ztl for a beracha, which would imply that the Minhag is more Eitzah Tovah ("Good Idea") as Rav Kornfeld said rather than actual issur or halachah or even minhag.
Kol Tuv
Yaakov Yehoshua Fischer
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The Kollel replies: |
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Regarding whether there will be a greater fear of Dam Chimud at the Chasunah after having not seen each other for a number of days, we should point out that the TAZ and DEGUL MERAVEVAH (YD 192:1) write that there is no Chimud except at a time *other than* that of Nisu'in. If the Nisu'in is going to take place immediately, the same day, there is no concern that there will be Dam Chimud at the time the Chasan proposes to the Kalah. (The Taz explains that this is why Avigayil was permitted to David.)
I have heard that for this reason, there are some who are lenient to permit photographing the Chasan and Kalah together right before the Chupah, despite the custom for the two not to see each other prior to the wedding ("because of Dam Chimud," as Moshe noted above). See, however, the Pischei Teshuvah there (end of #3) who shows that the suggestion of the Taz may not accepted by all.
I never heard the Ma'aseh which you mentioned concerning my Rebbi, Rav Gustman, zt'l. Another Talmid of his told me that Rav Gustman told him *not* to speak with his Kalah on the day of the Chupah, even to ask her if she was a Nidah! The Beis Shmuel (Even ha'Ezer 35:2), however, does record that the custom once was to make a meal in which both the Chasan and Kallah would participate on the night prior to the wedding (so that they can meet each other for the first time in person!). In fact, I have not found the custom of not meeting each other for a few days before the wedding recorded anywhere.
Be well, Mordecai
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